I've had this website for two years and have yet to post in 2016. I've failed to be unapolagetically me in a lot of ways; maybe all the ways, since 2014. Something traumatic happened (alto riesgo) and I closed and haven't opened since then. I've opened on a one on one level but not on an artist level. I've done the work but never shown it. 'Never,' seems the appropriate word since it's been two years that an audience has seen my work. O i've been creating. Now more than ever, I feel that I am a factory of sorts, pumping out stories to rapidly for even me to read. I start stories and I put them down because they are only for me. I start stories and forget about them cuz no one knows the half of it and I'm to tired to explain and the process seems endless but; now I'm here. I am no longer alone with my stories and nostalgic for something else. I have moved from the things that encircled me. I guess, the best way to say it is that, I'm not afraid anymore: of myself, of others, of failures, of loneliness, of my camera, of my worth, of my body, of me.
I've been a confident girl since 1983, so these past two years have been different. To navigate the world questioning everything about myself has been a very real feeling. You see most days, I feel as good about myself as I do about my art. And if I'm creating things just for me, sometimes thats all I need. But if I've been conserving all these ideas that turn into content for so long at some point... it begins to suffocate... the art and me. Because although i don't prescribe to the idea of creating art for others or creating art for praise, I do prescribe to the idea of showing your art. I have to show my work sometimes.. Because if I don't show it, it stops being important and starts feeling too personal. And when things are labeled 'too personal', there goes the neighborhood. The personal is everything: its political, its important, it's necessary, it's highs, it's lows, it's culture, it's chaos, it's love, it's loss.. it's what this world is made of, and rightly so, because without personal encounters I have nothing to shoot, no story to tell, not even my own. So why not show it?
Every two years I meet myself anew. I seem to transition and transform into someone with new idea, loves and actions. These silent years have taught me many things in their suffocation: I've learned, if I do not allow myself the room to grow into these unfamiliar ideals this will happen again. I have to question everything I knew before, I have to see it over and over again, until it is familiar and becomes my own. I have to give myself the room to do so. Because with growth comes new perspective.. and so although maybe the surroundings haven't changed, I have... and therefore, everything has.
yeah.. So why not show it?
Why not share all the lawless and cryptic things that fill and destroy me most days.
I owe myself an apology. I am here now, and I am present, and hope to be for a long time. I can't promise that I won't close again, but heres' to hoping. But, if I do, I'll be more aware of what I am doing to myself and my art and to others.
I have so much work to share.. I'm gonna start with one project/idea per week, and we will see how it goes from there. I think its safe to call this a comeback... and also safe to say I've forgiven myself.
start here: alto riesgo: a story about the middle